I pack my bags , sad my weekend in Tampa is coming to an end .

''I’m sorry for getting so drunk ,'' he says .  '' I wish I could’ve spent more time with you . Next time you come down we should do something fun . Maybe go to Disney .''

''I thought you hated Disney ,'' I say .

''I never said I hate it . I just didn’t enjoy it the only time I’ve been . But I’m sure  I’d have a good time if I was there with you .''

I glance down at my things , trying to hide my nervous laughter I know he can see through . Just because he’s been one of my best friends for years doesn’t change the fact that getting sappy makes me uncomfortable . But I know exactly what he’s talking about . The reason he’d be happy going to Disney is the same reason I’m happy taking care of his drunk ass . Well , I wouldn’t call myself  '' happy ''  while cleaning up puke ,  but I don’t need anything extravagant from him like Disney.

''Do you mean that? ''  I ask .

''Of course I do .''

I smile up at him , imagining standing in front of Cinderella’s castle . It could be home as much as this hotel room is home , although I have to admit a castle does sound a lot better .

I see now . A new world within an old .

Home’s not about the city you were born in , the familiar streets and buildings . Home is wherever you’re loved , as cliché as that is . That’s what these visits are teaching me . It’s what  he’s teaching me .

''Then Disney it is , ''  I say , dragging my suitcase to the door .

''We should get dinner. Fatten you up,'' he says, for once leaving out the nickname he knows I despise.

You’d think after four years he’d eventually stop calling me Twiggy. Or describing me to his friends as ''90 pounds soaking wet with weights in her pockets.'' He likes to ignore the fact that I’ve already broken 100. At least he hasn’t threatened to put me in a tub of lard recently.

I’m reading Walter Benjamin’s ''The Work of Art in the Mechanical Age of Reproduction'' for class, trying to focus on it so I don’t explode about the weight issue.  Just a few more lines to be sure I won’t say anything I know I shouldn’t. ''The feeling of strangeness that overcomes the actor before the camera, as Pirandello describes it, is basically of the same kind as the estrangement felt before one’s own image in the mirror,'' (Benjamin 230).

http://www.inneraltitude.com/blog/?tag=change-thoughts. Nov. 1, 2013.

''I don’t know why you act like I don’t eat. Food is my favorite thing.''

''Yeah, but you must not be eating the right food. Or enough of it.''

''Can we please not talk about my weight again?'' I want to scream. Sometimes I think he’s concerned for my health; other times, it’s like he knows I’m insecure and just wants to poke fun at me. I regret ever telling him about the time my mom called me anorexic. She seemed to think ''anorexic'' and ''underweight'' were synonymous, completely ignoring the fact that I had eaten two plates of dinner in front of her the night before.

''We’ve been over this a thousand times. It’s my metabolism,'' I say instead.

But what I’m thinking is ''Wouldn’t it be nice to be an animal; not a care in the world; no worries about being ‘the right’ size or having ‘the right’ look .''

It’s after noon and he’s still passed out , hungover . He has a few books sitting on the nightstand that I’m sure he intended to read before he knew he’d spend the day in bed . Eoin McNamee’s Resurrection Man and Chuck Palahniuk’s Fight Club . I gave him Fight Club years ago and he still re-reads it . He claims Victor from Resurrection Man is crazier than Tyler Durden .

I can’t sit in this room all day when there are two malls five minutes away . I grab my t-shirt and jeans and head for the door , leaving him a note in case he ever decides to wake up and join the land of the living .

There are so many stores in the International Plaza just pleading with me to buy something .  Make a statement , stand out . Be fashionable . Be remembered .

Paulson, Matthew. International Plaza Mall Tampa Fl. 2011. http://www.flickr.com/photos/matthewpaulson/5830954046/. Oct 18, 2013.

I always have trouble with that .  I’m more about blending into the background . Maybe I want to be forgettable .

“Image conveys your inner self . Image is a critical component of you .”

I don’t come to the mall to shop . I come to the mall to people watch . That’s what my image allows me to do . Remain invisible .

These people are so obsessed with how they look . The perfect dress . The perfect shoes . It’s both fascinating and depressing . I’ll never understand it .

He calls me about an hour into my adventure . He knows I don’t know how to shop . He even commented earlier on my lack of jewelry . We both know I suck at being a woman . It’s time I head back to the person who notices me .

He moved from his mom’s house to South Tampa shortly after I left the city three years ago . I would’ve guessed South Tampa’s relatively cheap based on its appearance , but the fact that he shared a one bedroom apartment with seven other guys tells me otherwise . That’s why we only ever stay in hotels when I come visit .

I wouldn’t call his neighborhood a wasteland , but it also wouldn’t be my ideal location to live .

He’s lived with two different pot dealers and claims the police couldn’t care less about the drugs in the area . He’s told me about break-ins he knew happened at the apartment complex next door , and the time a girl threatened to “have him sliced up” at a gas station . He called it an empty threat , but it still says something about the area .

  

Is this what you’d call an inner city? I’m not sure .

He always tells me there’s nothing to do in South Tampa in terms of entertainment , so we make trips across town to find things to do . 

 

1

 “They don’t want to see the inner-city kids with nothingbetter to do than walk up and down the piss and trash-littered streets .”

There are perks to having a million different worlds stuffed into one big city . It’s not too difficult to find a new one if necessary .

1: http://www.keeppbcbeautiful.org/cigarette.htm, Oct. 4, 2013. 

He’s drunk beside me but still coherent enough to direct me back to the hotel. You live in a place for 17 years but never really learn the area as well as you could. I’m lost to the point of relying on a drunk.

It’s a big city. Not my fault.

1

2

We’re staying near the airport which is about a half hour away from MacDill Air force Base with traffic. 

We drive from a shitty neighborhood to one of the nicest parts of Tampa to get there. It looks so pretty at night. Past the malls and shopping districts. The big fancy restaurants I could never afford to eat at. It’s midnight, but with all the lights it’d be hard to tell.

He’s singing along to the radio. One of our favorite songs.

 If he wasn’t so drunk I’d say it’s romantic.

3

Tampa’s a weird place. There’s Ybor City where hobos roam and drugs and parties are never far away. 

4

Then there’s the Westshore area near the airport, where we are now. Everything big and bright and loud. 

South Tampa, with the McDonalds and Dollar Store within walking distance from MacDill, where it almost looks like you can get mugged but probably no one ever does. Then New Tampa, the closest thing to a college town in the city, except even the Starbucks closes at night. That’s not something I’m used to. I’ve been gone for three years, but know the city better now than I did before I left. It feels like home but also not.

We sit at a red light for what feels like eternity. Almost like it’s begging me to stay out later. This part of Tampa doesn’t sleep and maybe neither should I.

  

1: http://www.hotels.com/ho269506/towneplace-suites-by-marriott-tampa-westshore-airport-tampa-united-states/, Sept. 21, 2013.

2: 2009, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MacDill_Air_Force_Base, Sept. 21, 2013.

3: http://www.gaybor.com/, Sept. 21, 2013.

4: http://www.tampabayisnewnow.com/tampa-bay-times-forum/walkable-now.php, Sept. 21, 2013.

Background:  2012, http://www.amstafftalk.com/viewtopic.php?f=12&t=8927, Sept. 21, 2013.